Likes: terrorizing mortals; libraries; serious eyeshadow; chain wallets; suspiciously lifelike marble statues
Dislikes: people who aren't statues yet; bros; Perseus
[Animated gif of a gorilla flinging a lump of what is hopefully just sod at some zoo workers]
Today, as part of our environmental enrichment program, we added a large section of concrete pipe to the enclosure. It has succeeded beyond our wildest expectations, if you can call it “success”: all I can currently see at one end of the pipe are four sets of legs sticking out, their owners apparently unable to move either forward or backward because everybody tried to run through the pipe at once. Meanwhile, “Tracy” seems to have crawled into the opposite end and is using his friends’ immobility as an opportunity to torment them. The screeching from inside the pipe is absolutely deafening, and I suspect that whoever is on the bottom of the pile will need to be hosed down.
The Bargeld became severely withdrawn and listless after improved security measures curtailed his frequent escapes to the hypermasculine enclosure. We initially assumed that his collapse was due to lack of stimulation and exercise, and attempted to induce him to engage with trainers on our obstacle courses. Unfortunately, the Bargeld is not known for friendly cooperation, and this misjudgment on our part caused multiple trainers an extended stay in hospital due to brutal stinging incidents and eardrum-rupturings.
We have since come to understand that the Bargeld’s withdrawal has roots in emotional trauma due to separation from his unlikely friend, “Nick,” and are working to establish a way for both specimens to interact while maintaining the safety of other specimens and zoo staff. This may have the added benefit of bringing “Nick“‘s doleful ululations to an end, much to the delight of the other specimens, zoo staff, visitors, and occupants of the properties immediately adjacent to the zoo.
I swear to god we’ve taught Iggy to walk upright but he is just so stubborn.
[Color photo of Nick Cave in his lair, surrounded by bric-a-brac and hair trophies]
INTERNAL MEMO. NOT FOR PUBLIC RELEASE. All zoo personnel are to keep hair bound, covered, or otherwise confined. Remember, safety starts with you!
GET DAVE GAHAN OUT OF THE ENCLOSURE IMMEDIATELY you people know what happened the last time
[Color photo of Nick Cave in his lair, looking surly]
We had to take away his ration of strong brown liquor today as a disciplinary measure: something we hate to do, but it’s important that our hypermasculine specimens understand that there are consequences for their actions. Hopefully Nick will think long and hard before biting Mick on the calf again.
On the one hand, we wanted to reward Iggy for actually putting on a second article of clothing (for the purposes of training and positive reinforcement, the bow-tie does count). On the other hand, we wanted to avoid seeming like we were rewarding him for smashing Dr. Thompson’s priceless collection of jazz records. It was quite a conundrum.
Photo with 17 notes
Sure, “Nick” basks in the attention he gets when people point and laugh at him for wearing this shirt, but we still need to sit some of the junior keepers down and have a long talk with them about not exploiting the specimens.
[Iggy Pop sucking a fan’s finger]
Looks like somebody was weaned a little too early
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